


(Not) A Luhrmann Kind Of Love Story

by isaksanaeven



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Accidents, Alternate Universe, Depression, Disability, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Physical Disability, Recovery, References to Canon, Romance, Sad Even/ Sweetest Isak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 15:57:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20312143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isaksanaeven/pseuds/isaksanaeven
Summary: Even hoped that winter never ended. That way, he would always have a reasonable excuse to wear a large scarf and beanie that would cover most of his face. It granted him the security he needed to put a foot outside of his house –though, in addition, wearing shades in a bad weather ruined the coherency. Either way, winter was friendlier to him than summer in comparison. Summer time meant getting questioned, the few times he left home, on why he would hide his face when it was hot via surreptitious looks of judgement. He was nervous searching for the record store this Isak person worked at. Yet he was doing it anyways as he trusted his therapist and agreed that it was time to step out of the hole.AU where Even suffered a car accident that disfigured his face and crushed his hope to live. Adviced by his therapist, he meets Isak who might be familiar with Even's struggle.





	(Not) A Luhrmann Kind Of Love Story

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm new around, pls give me a chance?  
I adore Skam and felt like contributing to the fandom.  
Pls mind the tags. I wrote this with lots of love, I don't mean to offend anyone.  
Feedback is much encouraged and appreciated, pls drop a comment!! <3

Even hoped that winter never ended. That way, he would always have a reasonable excuse to wear a large scarf and beanie that would cover most of his face. It granted him the security he needed to put a foot outside of his house –though, in addition, wearing shades in a bad weather ruined the coherency. Either way, winter was friendlier to him than summer in comparison. Summer time meant getting questioned, the few times he left home, on why he would hide his face when it was hot via surreptitious looks of judgement. He was nervous searching for the record store this Isak person worked at. Yet he was doing it anyways as he trusted his therapist and agreed that it was time to step out of the hole. After three years fluctuating within the spectrum of depression, Even had to try to accept. An important step had been doing this: showering, dressing, getting out of the house, grabbing a cup of coffee. Now the mission would be completed once he met up with Isak.

Nina didn’t specify, she simply advised Even to go talk to this boy who, according to her, was friendly and could relate to his experience. It was a small store that probably relied on its niche audience to survive in this time and age when music was accessible online. A bell jingled when Even opened the door, and he was instantly surrounded by the warmth inside. A strong female voice sang an old jazz song in the background, Even felt ignorant not knowing who it belonged to. The cash desk was on the back, and from there a blond young man looked up at the bell call.

“Afternoon,” said Even.

“Good afternoon,” politely replied the young man, Isak, “Just let me know if you need any help.”

Even nodded, moving on to check on the display of records that you’d find in vinyl, CD and cassette format. More like, pretend to, as that was not the purpose of the visit. He spent good fifteen minutes inspecting the store, half genuinely interested in what it had to offer and half mustering up the courage to start a conversation with Isak. Isak, a good-looking boy with seemingly no issues of Even’s kind whatsoever. Which had him conflicted, as on the one hand he feared Nina had made a mistake introducing him to a person that could never understand and he was out there wasting his time, yet on the other hand… well, Even had eyes. And he liked what he saw. Regardless, his doubts got cleared out when a new costumer arrived and, being an older man with little knowledge on technology, requested Isak’s help to listen to an album on the player. As Isak approached the costumer, Even immediately picked up on the way he walked –it just wasn’t smooth like most people did. When Isak retreated back to the desk he caught Even staring, at which Even looked away feeling like a hypocrite piece of shit.

He left with no chat and no record in hand, promising himself he’d come back the next day and do it.

But he didn’t, and only came back three days later.

*

That Friday afternoon Even decided to buy the CD of the original music from _Romeo + Juliet_, his favourite movie. He already had the movie, but he only had the music on Spotify. He took several breaths before going up to the cash desk, where Isak was.

“Oh,” said Isak with a smile, _“Young hearts, run free,”_ he recited.

Even smiled and nodded.

“Great record,” said Isak conversationally as he completed the job, “Very good songs in this album, I’d say the music is even better than the movie.”

Even’s eyes widened. Isak noticed, “You’re a fan?”

“Yes, but it’s okay,” he lied. He was defensive of the movie but he’d let it pass, “I agree, music today just doesn’t have the range.”

“Absolutely,” Isak confirmed, handing Even the receipt, “Every song sounds the same nowadays. Need a bag?”

Even shook his head; the pocket of his parka was big enough.

“By the way, I’m not saying it’s a bad movie, I just hate that they have to die in the end.”

“It’s how the story goes.”

“A happy ending wouldn’t hurt anyone,” Isak stated, checking his reaction with amusement. Which wasn’t easy, as the only visible part of Even’s face was his nose.

A bit caught-off-guard by the chat, which held certain levels of flirting, Even muttered a thank you, turned around and made to leave.

“I’m Isak.”

Even knew. He stopped by the door, heart beating faster.

He just couldn’t do it. Not today, he was exhausted and needed to process what’d just happened.

“Nice to meet you, Isak,” Even said with his back to him, and left.

*

Even already knew that Isak’s store closed at seven. So after, once again, giving himself some space between days, he showed up next Tuesday evening. Wearing tight jeans, a thick dark grey jacket and a blue beanie, Isak was indeed in the process of closing the store. He was beautiful. Even approached him –this time, without the shades on. Isak was surprised to see him, in more than one way.

“Hey,” said Even, trembling inside –and his hands too, having to keep them in his pockets. Though the eyes area gave him away, he still concealed his mouth behind the scarf.

“Hi there,” said Isak as he locked the door from outside, “We just closed.”

“I know. I’m Even,” he offered a hand, which still trembled. Isak smiled and shook it, “Nice to meet you, Even.”

“Is it?” he wondered, all too aware of his half-exposed face. Isak knew what he meant.

Isak nodded, “It is,” he confirmed, and he seemed honest. Friendly, as Nina had described. For now, Even was just thankful that he didn’t run away in sheer fright. It’s all he could aspire to.

“My therapist is Nina Magnus, she gave me your contact.”

Isak understood, but something in him deflated, “Nina, I see,” he looked away, pretending to double check the door got locked, “She’s an amazing professional, we’ve stayed in touch as I’m planning on studying Psychology next year and I’ve told her that I’d be happy to help if another patient needs to talk to someone they can relate to.”

Even nodded.

“So, what can I help you with?” Isak remained polite, yet not as charming as before.

“I’d like to talk… about…” Even cleared his throat, feeling the sudden tension. It wasn’t even hostility but a self-defensiveness that Isak seemed familiar with.

Isak’s eyes widened with barely-contained sarcasm, “My prosthetic legs! Sure, my main feature,” he faux-chuckled, leant down and proceeded to roll up his jeans, exposing them for Even to see before rolling the jeans down again.

His legs were, in fact, prosthetic. From the knees down to his feet. This explained his flawed walking.

Even knew exactly where the sarcasm came from, and once again, felt idiotic.

“I didn’t mean to be so blunt.”

“No worries, it’s my fault,” Isak kept that impersonal tone, shielding himself like he hadn’t the other times Even had seen him, “So, Even. I’m here to talk if you need me, this kind of store is never really crazy so you can come by tomorrow if you’d like? Or any day really, it’s up to you.”

And the thing is, Even had actually intended to go for a drink right now. That’s why he’d left the house this late, when it was already dark and freezing, instead of currently sitting on his couch watching a movie and eating frozen pizza by himself. But it turned out that he was out of practice, as without his handsome looks he’d lost all confidence and refrained from interacting with humans, especially humans he’d feel attracted to. To him, the strangest part of all was that Isak only changed attitudes once Even revealed the link with Nina –not once Even had revealed his face. It was almost like Isak didn’t mind, and that Even had really messed it up by implying he had no interest in Isak other than understanding how he’d learnt to live beneath the scrutiny of people for being different.

“Okay, thank you,” he mumbled instead, walking past Isak like he had somewhere else to go other than the imperturbable solitude of his flat.

*

“Have you spoken with Isak, by the way?” asked Nina as an afterthought, as their session for today was about to finish. Because she hadn’t forced him to do this, merely suggested as a way to take up socializing again –and what better than with someone that wouldn’t make him feel judged, or worse, pitied at.

“I have,” replied Even, certain that he was blushing, “But, not quite either.”

The woman knew him well at this point, “He’s cute,” she remarked.

“It’s a problem.”

“How so?”

Even gave her a look, gesturing to his face.

Nina smiled, “You misjudge him.”

“Besides, what he has… it’s just not the same.”

Nina frowned.

“He can hide it and pass as someone that just limps,” Even explained, though his conscience accused him of selfishness.

“Are you really going to be that person, Even?” Nina calmly objected, reading his mind, “This is not a competition on who has it worse. Listen, it’s not my place to speak on his behalf, but it’s important for you to understand that it’s not okay to look down at other people’s traumas simply because they’re not exactly the same event you personally went through,” she studied him, “Yeah?”

“I regretted it as soon as I said it,” he needed to elaborate and she sensed it, paying attention, “It’s just,” he sighed, “It’s there everytime I look in the mirror. I can’t escape it. I can’t pretend it’s not there, and I can’t trick people into thinking it’s not there not even for a little while. It’s literally my face, but Isak-

“But Isak walks, Even. Isak stands up on his feet, Isak walks, Isak runs, Isak dances, Isak jumps. All of these skills that come naturally to most of us to the point they become invisible, are a reminder of the trauma to him. And us humans spend most of our time on our feet, so it must be quite a frequent reminder.”

Even understood. His conscience was correct: he was selfish.

He cleared his throat, “Not sure if I’m attracted to him for him or I’ve just been alone for too long.”

“Why not both?” Nina suggested. She had a point.

*

The last time Even had asked someone out on a date he was twenty-two years old and handsome. A player –rich, fine-looking and charismatic- he went out with a different person every other week. His very privileged lifestyle, granted to him on a silver plate by a successful business his grandparents had started and his parents expanded, allowed him a comfortable working routine in the family company that had him waking up late and partying every evening he pleased. Even was the rich James Dean everyone that got to know him developed a bit of a crush on, even the straightest of guys though they kept it a secret between them and Even. That, until him and the last girl he’d gone on a date with crashed straight into a tree after having to dodge a rushing car driven by a drunken man. The man was now in prison, the girl passed away, and Even miraculously survived though his face suffered the most impact. A large portion of it disfigured, the only solution was to reconstruct it via cosmetic surgery.

After the surgery, Even was met with a nightmare in the mirror.

Visiting Isak for a fourth time, this time with a purpose, had him applying his favourite perfume on his wrists and behind his ears. With Nina’s help, he’d managed to look at his reflection in the mirror –a big step forward, as he’d kept the mirrors of his house locked in a dusty box for nearly three years. This didn’t mean, however, that he approved of what he saw in any way. It didn’t even mean that he’d learnt to live with it. It simply meant what it was: daring to look in the mirror without bursting into tears or breaking the glass, nothing less and nothing more. For this evening, he chose not to wear a beanie for the combo of the shades plus the scarf covered enough skin. Also because yes, he felt like flaunting his good hair for Isak.

He found Isak sorting out the stock, the music in the background a chill 90’s melody that, again, Even failed to recognize. Isak seemed nervous to see him but recomposed himself fast.

“Even, hi.”

“Hi, Isak,” Even was nervous too. Though he was aware of his attraction, it still hit him like a slap whenever Even set his eyes on him.

Isak finished his task and went behind the cash desk while Even stood and stared like a fool.

“I take it you wanted to talk? ‘Cause I’m closing in ten.”

Even gulped, “Yeah, about that-

His words got lost as two costumers arrived. A young straight couple. They minded their own business so, after a minute of uncertainty, Even decided to approach the cash desk before the courage slipped away from his reach. Isak sat on a chair checking something on the computer, but acknowledged him immediately.

“Um… which singer is this, if may I ask?” Even blurted out, gesturing to the music in the background.

Isak blinked, “It’s a band, 10 cc. This song is _I’m not in love_.”

Even nodded, savoring the sound of Isak’s voice saying such a phrase. Though he’d intended this to be an ice-breaker, it failed, as he didn’t know how to go on.

“Nice melody,” he added, finally. He’d really lost every inch of the charm he’d once excelled at –the Even he used to be could never believe he’d sink this low.

Isak smiled, sensing his shyness “It is,” he paused, “You should have dropped by earlier-

“Do you have,” Even started, bracing himself to go for it, “Would you like… do you have like, important plans right now?” he cleared his throat, mouth dry like cotton, “After work, I mean. Which it’s… now.”

Because fate hated him, the couple chose that moment to approach and pay for a product. So Even took a step back, or more like five, watching from afar how Isak did his job. It was quick, Isak politely sent them off and then they left. Even felt his heart beating in his throat like he was fifteen. Unexpectedly, Isak cast his eyes down and proceeded to go through the cash.

“Not really,” he replied, a bit bashful to admit it, “But like I said, you don’t have to drop by this late, we can talk some other time of my shift. Unless you’re busy with work, in that case I understand.”

“I didn’t mean to offend you the other day,” Even declared at last, “I’m not here just because Nina suggested, if that’s what you think?”

Isak kept his gaze down, “I’ve been burned before,” he muttered at himself, but Even heard it.

He paused, watching Isak complete his task. Once again, he caught himself staring.

“I find you very attractive,” he confessed, “And I wanted to ask you out on a date,” Even was burning behind the shades and the scarf, he couldn’t believe he was doing this. He was putting himself out there, asking a pretty boy on a date, after three years of seclusion. Nervous was an understatement, Even was terrified of rejection. Deep down, though, he was proud of himself too.

If his eyes weren’t tricking him, Isak blushed. Then he smirked and met his eyes with a renewed attitude, much like the one he’d sported the first times. Even was choking on his tongue in anticipation.

“Now?”

Determined, Even nodded.

A wide, joyful smile blossomed on Isak’s mouth, “Okay,” he said, eyes shining with hope.

Even would have cried. He did, in fact, shed a tear or two behind the shades while Isak went to the toilet and got ready, quickly wiping them away before Isak could see. He absolutely fixed his hair, Even noticed, which he was skeptical of. He didn’t need to. Even took him to a quiet hipster bar, as this didn’t mean to be so formal. They took a seat at the back and ordered a beer each plus a portion of french fries to share. After socializing like a pro for years, it was ironic that this simple outing caused him anxiety. Isak hadn’t even seen his bare face completely. The only thing stopping him from regretting this and coming up with a fake excuse to bail was that Isak seemed genuinely eager.

“This is chill,” said Isak amicably, trying to strike up a conversation, as the silence could only last too long before it got painful.

“Yeah,” Even smiled behind the scarf, “Sorry, I’m a little nervous.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m nervous too.”

Their order arrived, Isak thanked the waitress and went for the fries, “Mmh,” he hummed in delight, “Sorry, I’m starving.”

“Please, go ahead,” said Even, unable to smile anymore. Because in order to have the fries and the beer, he’d have to pull down the scarf. And while he’d already shown Isak the area around the eyes, it didn’t mean he was suddenly ready to go uncovered around him.

Isak noticed, and apparently wanted to say something related to it but held back.

“So,” he tried to light the atmosphere, “What makes you like that movie so much?”

Even was thankful –someone else would have urged him to eat and drink with excessive enthusiasm, claiming that seeing him unexposed didn’t matter. But to him, it did matter. Even needed patience.

“I love Baz Lurhman,” said Even, “I think he tells love stories like no one else,” he explained, surprising himself, as nobody knew this. When he used to have friends and go out with people, he’d refrain from sharing this side of myself not to lose his prestige. The old Even was too cool for dramatic love stories.

“_Romeo and Juliet_, and others like _Moulin Rouge_… they romanticize love. I like that. I think falling in love is extraordinary, simply looking at someone in the eye and feel the magic,” he continued, pulse at high speed, revealing something he’d kept hidden, “It deserves the dramatics, in my opinion. So he gets it. He gives you exactly what you’d expect from an epic love story.”

“Oh, you’re that kind of person,” Isak observed.

Even raised his eyebrows in question.

Isak smirked, “That talks about movies by the director.”

“I’m not, I just-“ Even shut up, realizing he did just that. He got embarrassed, “Is it snobbish?”

“Kind of!” Isak explained light-heartedly, “The general audience doesn’t care who directed what, let alone keep track of the filmography of who knows who.”

“You don’t do it.”

Isak smiled as he shook his head no, “But I’m good memorizing songs and albums, so… yeah,” he considered, “Anyways, about the movies. I disagree,” he said, expression cheeky and expectant.

“Oh. Controversial,” Even joked, “You’re good objecting, you’d make a good lawyer.”

“I have opinions, Even!” Isak played along, “I’m more than just a pretty face.”

Even stared, “Yeah, you have a nice ass too,” he said, holding back the laugh.

Blushing, Isak gave him a scandalized look, “That’s dangerous territory-

“I’m sorry-

“That’s rude!” Isak tried to be mad, but the mirth was all over his face, “You’ve been staring!”

Even put his hands up in surrender, “Guilty.”

Isak hit him on the shoulder, both of them laughing. It felt so good. Their eyes were glued to each other as they calmed down. Even felt the spark in his veins, he hoped he was reading the signs correctly.

“Anyways,” Isak tried not to laugh again, “I just think the product doesn’t have to be big and loud and blatant to be, you know. Emotional,” he said, confident yet a bit cautious for the topic in question, “Don’t get me wrong, I really liked _Moulin Rouge_, though it’s because I have a bit of a crush on the actor in that movie,” he admitted with a smile, “But I think… I don’t know, it’s valid but I don’t think it’s the only right way to tell a good love story.”

Even watched and listened intently –Isak was very expressive when he talked, and he spoke fast and energetic, his eyes widening whenever he stressed a word.

“Sometimes beauty is in the simplicity,” concluded Isak.

Even never thought about it that way.

Isak was observant; he humbly noticed that Even was processing his words, “Are you having any of it?” he gestured to the french fries, which only Isak had touched. He was careful, understanding what Even wasn’t saying.

“You can have it,” said Even.

Isak smiled, “Thank you.”

They had a good time. Unexpectedly good in Even’s eyes, whose expectations had been set very low yet eventually noticed they’d spent two hours talking about their opinions on different matters, the two silently agreeing to leave out the part they had in common for now. Isak objected at first, Even having to remind him he was the one paying. As they left the place, Even caught one costumer giving Isak looks not so subtly –the man, who was there with friends, even turned his head not to miss what his barbarian criteria branded as a show simply because Isak walked with mild difficulty. Even was overtaken by a fury that had him holding back from jumping on the man like a tiger.

He offered Isak to walk him home, at which Isak agreed gladly. They took the tram and took a seat together. Sitting next to him had Even nervous all over again, as their sides were touching, Isak’s scent hit him harder and he was reminded of how affection-starved he was. His hands, that rested on his lap, itched to reach out.

By the bashful looks Isak sent him side-ways, maybe Even wasn’t the only one.

“Before I got my legs, I used to move around on a wheelchair,” Isak told him.

Even turned to him, paying attention.

“And even though it was tough at first, I’ll have you know that I became the master of hanging around in the city on a wheelchair,” Isak announced proud and dramatic.

Even grinned.

“The master, huh?” he teased, “I like your modesty.”

“It’s just the truth!” Isak stressed. He was histrionic –and Even was a bit enamoured, “Denying the truth is faux modesty and you can call me anything but a fake.”

“Right,” Even chuckled.

“I would roll myself in and out of the tram like a champ, bam! Smooth like a ballerina. Except… on a wheelchair,” he corrected himself, laughing afterwards.

“Isak the ballerina,” Even considered, “That’s hot.”

“You’re objectifying me again, Even!” Isak mock-reprimanded him.

“You’re so dramatic, just take the compliment.”

“Fine,” Isak accepted grumpily, but he was totally fighting a smile.

Their arms brushed as they walked towards Isak’s house, inside of his pockets Even’s hands were turned into fists. He didn’t want this evening to end. Isak told him he lived with his mother, and that it hadn’t been easy coming out to her as she was a devoted Christian who seriously believed Hell was a thing you’d be punished with if you didn’t stick to the norm. She loved him above any belief, though, which resulted in her broadening her perspective on the matter.

“My parents don’t really mind,” said Even regarding his pansexuality, “But in the sense that… they don’t even care, I think?” he shrugged, “I’m not sure. We’re not close, you know.”

Isak hummed, “But you have a place in the family business?”

“I do, and it’s not like I earnt it,” Even admitted with shame, “But yeah, I’m in charge of the social media stuff, the newsletters, etcetera,” he paused for a bit, uncomfortable with the subject but also wanting to be honest, “It allows me to work from home,” he said.

Isak understood, “That’s chill.”

They came to a stop outside Isak’s house. It was quiet around them –Even liked but also hated how perfect the moment was to make some kind of advance. Because as much as he wanted it, he simply couldn’t do it.

“Thanks for tonight,” Isak said softly. He meant it.

“Please, thank _you_,” Even had to correct. He still couldn’t believe Isak had gone with him on a date.

A silence followed. Even found it hard to gaze into his eyes for too long, as he was afraid he couldn’t contain himself. Keeping his hands to himself was already challenging –but Isak lost his own challenge. Gingerly, checking Even’s reaction, he put his hands on Even’s face. A face that Even wouldn’t show. But then he thought: Isak had already seen the top half. So he took off the shades fast, before he had the chance to change his mind. The mouth remained covered, and Isak didn’t pressure him. Smiling at him, Isak leant in and gifted him a kiss full of promise on the cheek. Even felt like floating a little, like he weighed less. A little dazed, a little drunk. Used to one night stands and casual hook-ups in the past, he didn’t know a kiss on the cheek could ever hold so much power.

“I’d like to see you again,” said Isak, timid, as he lifted his hands off of Even’s cheeks.

Even nodded, “Me too,” he blurted out, a bit tongue-tied, ecstatic on the inside.

They exchanged mobile numbers and grinned at each other like idiots. Because he got brave, right before Isak went to get inside his house, Even took hold of his hand and kissed it with the scarf in between –and Isak blushed in delight, providing a sight that was becoming Even’s favourite.

An hour later, Even was brushing his teeth when Isak texted him good night. Even wished him a good night in response, little heart included –at which Isak didn’t take long to send him one in return.

*

After their date, Even visited the record store every day. He would drop by on Isak’s lunch time so they could eat together, always on the same spot of a park nearby. The third time he did it, he decided to cook himself and share it with Isak. And cooking for someone else was something he hadn’t try in years –in fact, Even was already used to cook for one only. So he got nervous and particularly meticulous not to mess up as he prepared the lasagna that day. He wanted it to taste good. Even smiled to himself as he served the portions on the tapper wear container. At the record store, behind a door at the back, there was a tiny room that served as some type of office and cafeteria all at once, and the food could be warmed up in the microwave.

Isak was surprised when Even handed him his container.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand,” Even said, as Isak usually brought his lunch that his mother made.

“That’s all right, I can have this for dinner.”

As quick as they sat on their spot, Isak went for the lasagna while Even pretended not to stare expectantly for his opinion.

“Is it eatable at least?”

“You kidding? It tastes so good!” Isak said as he hungrily munched on his food. Even was delighted, eating more calmly himself. He had to agree with Isak –it was delicious.

“Shit, it’s so good,” Isak insisted, almost moaning. Even had to laugh, “I’m glad.”

“Fuck,” Isak couldn’t stop eating, “Now I’m making a clown of myself, I look like a pig. It’s your fault, Even! You’ve turned me into a pig, which it’s like, so not sexy!”

“Oh,” Even grinned from ear to ear, “Why do you care? You want to look sexy for me, mister Valtersen?”

Isak gave him that offended look, mouth agape, blush in full display, “I…” he stuttered, “I certainly don’t want to look like a pig! No one does, Even. It’s not about impressing someone, it’s about dignity,” he elaborated. Or more like, ranted.

“Guess I’m fond of the idea of you wanting to impress me,” Even remarked, more serious than intended, his eyes were intense on Isak.

Isak smirked, “Sucks to be you, ‘cause I don’t have that problem.”

Even quirked an eyebrow.

“In my case, I don’t even question it. Making lasagna for me… really Even? I know for a fact that you want to impress me,” he stated. Now it was Even’s turn to go red. Isak continued, “You want to woo me,” he recited, teasing and flirty, “You want to kiss me-

“Isak-

“You want to date me.”

Even was quiet, pensive. So Isak stopped.

“What if I did?” asked Even, like talking to himself but Isak was allowed to hear.

Isak’s features softened, his bashful side refloating, “I’d say yes,” he replied simply.

*

“Even, you don’t have to ask for my approval,” Nina clarified during a new therapy session. After all this time, familiar with Even’s loneliness, the woman knew that Even saw her more like a friend that he could confide in rather than his therapist.

Even was biting on his lower lip, “I’m not. I’m not even scared of getting hurt myself… or maybe yes, a little bit, obviously. No one enters a relationship expecting to get hurt.”

She listened.

“But I’m worried for him, I’m not sure I’m the guy he deserves,” he admitted, “My mind is not strong and not stable-

“We’ve talked about that, Even,” she reminded, “Be careful with the words you use, the more you pronounce them our brain finds a way to make them true even if it wasn’t true in the first place.”

“But I’m not confident, I can’t lie to myself. And I’m just scared of… projecting my insecurities on him, what if...” he sighed, “Like, I’m afraid I’m going to feel threatened by every single good-looking guy that passes by him, or literally any guy with a normal face for that matter, and… what if this eventually leads me to become paranoid and I get jealous of his friends and things get ugly and I turn into an asshole?”

Nina studied him with an expression that announced a strong response.

“First: there is no such thing as a normal face, every single face is different and imperfect, and in your case your imperfections are not the kind that people are used to, it’s simple as that. Okay, Even? It’s all about the way other people perceive your face and that is their problem, not yours-

“That’s easy for you to say.”

“Of course it’s easy for me to say, the whole point of this dynamic is using my knowledge and pragmatic take on things to help my patients see what they can’t see for different reasons. So yes, if I were to be as equally troubled as you I wouldn’t be able to help you, Even. I see clearer than you. The fact that it’s easy for me it’s a good thing, yeah? Makes this whole process smoother.”

It wasn’t the first time she had to pull that speech.

“Yeah?” Nina insisted, as she liked to make sure Even paid attention.

Even nodded.

“Okay, and second of all… everything you said, Even. That’s life.”

It was amazing that Nina always made sense, always picking the precise word to use, always coming to the right conclusion. She was eloquent, and that’s why he was there. Still paying to be able to listen to her wisdom.

“Every single decision we make, can either turn out good or wrong. And we all live with that uncertainty regardless of our personal circumstances.”

Even let lout a long sigh. Processing.

“Right now, I’d say the only thing you might possibly need to be certain of, or least suspicious of… is that Isak is interested in you _that way_,” she remarked, “The rest you two will figure it out along the way.”

This elicited a sheepish, crooked smile from Even.

*

He took Isak to the movies that weekend. And just like Even took his time grooming himself almost like he used to do before the accident –he debated on which jacket to use for minutes before settling for a casually stylish washed out black denim jacket –Isak most definitely did the same. The white woolen jumper he wore gave him such a soft air he looked eighteen years old, and having shaved multiplied the effect.

It was not a mainstream cinema; Isak gave him funny looks when they met outside.

“I invited you, don’t say anything,” Even immediately defended himself.

Isak played the oblivious, like his knowing face didn’t give him away, “Excuse me? I haven’t said anything!” he scoffed, “And by the way: hi Isak, how’re you doing? I’m fine Even, you?”

Even put his hands on his face, “I’m sorry,” he said and went for a brief hug. Too impersonal for his liking, though aware he was the one wasting his time. Because Isak was transparent, and willing.

They sat at the back, but it wasn’t even necessary as no more than twenty people were there. Still, it felt nice being there together for nearly two hours, in the darkness, with no one possibly spying on. For Even, it was particularly liberating. After taking off the shades, he inhaled deep and then let out a long sigh of encouragement. Then he was slowly taking off the scarf –and Isak took notice.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Even, with sadness. Aware of Isak’s eyes on him, on his full bare face for once, his heart was racing like revealing the ugliest truth in a confessionary –it’s not like Isak could see it all in detail, but the light of the movie flaring on Even’s face provided enough material. In response, Isak simply caressed his cheek, careful like a mother, before snuggling up to him.

“You smell so good,” he whispered, breathing on his neck. Then resting his head on Even’s shoulder.

Too emotional to add anything at all, or react for that matter, Even could only lean into Isak in return, allowing his head to rest atop Isak’s fluffy mop of curls. Internally, he was chanting thank you.

Before the lights returned, Even allowed Isak to wrap the scarf around his face for him –and when he finished, Even once again took his hand and kissed it, earning that gorgeous smile that made him weak at the knees. This time though, their hands remained joined, a step forward the two silently agreed with by the content look in their eyes and the fact that none of them made to let go as they exited the cinema. Casually chatting about the movie, they bought an ice-cream cone for each and took a stroll towards the quayside. The scenery looked magical once it got dark and the building lights came to life. They found a spot close by the water and sat down. There, facing the fjord and comfortable in Isak’s company, Even exposed his face again –and this time around it took him less effort. Now that Isak had seen him uncovered, he felt like he owed him this consistency. Above all, he owed it to himself. He deserved to be himself in public, and these little moments were the baby steps. This didn’t mean that staring into Isak’s eyes was easy, but he compensated by keeping their fingers intertwined in the small gap between them. They stayed in comfortable silence, which was a pleasant discovery. A comfortable silence between two people spoke of mutual trust. Even suspected he trusted Isak more than he trusted himself.

“I cried for two weeks straight,” Isak spoke, thoughtful and private. Respecting the soft quietness around them, not wanting to disturb it.

Even immediately knew what he meant. His heart constricted in pain, for Isak –Isak, who hadn’t victimized himself and had shown no signs of insecurities.

“I loved hiking and climbing… especially climbing, I’d always push myself harder,” he said, almond green eyes on the horizon, “So… with my friend we went backpacking to South America, there are lots of mountains down there too.”

“A friend?” Even interrupted, just to light the mood.

“Is that what you choose to focus on?” Isak shot back, playful.

Even smiled as he shook his head and Isak returned the smile, “Jonas…. no, just friends. He’s straight,” he clarified anyways, “Though I did have a massive crush on him at the time. In secret.”

“That’s queer culture,” Even sentenced. Isak nodded.

A little pause, then Isak went on, “So, you know… it was great the first weeks, we had fun, the nature in those places is not that different from Norway. The locals don’t speak English that well, so that was tricky but also fun,” Isak smiled, reminiscing, “Jonas had to improvise with his broken Spanish, he knows one word or two ‘cause his father is Chilean, so that was comical... trying to communicate.”

“I like that challenge,” Even pointed out, “Trying to communicate with the locals despite the language barrier, it’s one of the things that makes travelling overseas so exciting.”

Isak nodded. Then his eyes turned sad as the pain of the memory took over his features, “Um… so one day we took the train to go from one town to the next. It was an old train, clearly unkept, not the most clean, the lights didn’t work that well, but it was cheap so we didn’t complain, we were backpacking so you always go for the cheapest stuff,” he paused.

Even recognized and related to the struggle in his eyes, “And… well, long story short: it was pretty dark, so I went to the toilet in the dark, and when I came back to my seat, I misstepped and fell down the gap between carriages. ‘Cause that thingy that goes between carriages was missing.”

Even processed. And it hurt like hell, picturing the horror of such accident. All of a sudden he was getting overprotective of his legs.

“I found myself on the ground, bleeding and hurting. I was still awake,” Isak told him, which had Even appreciating the fact that he’d lost consciousness when his own accident happened. The sheer pain and the terror in a situation like that, he couldn’t possibly imagine going through all of that while aware, “And I remember that, when I meant to stand up, ‘cause I was in the middle of a fucking railroad, I couldn’t do it. I told my mind to stand up. Just stand up, but nothing happened.”

That’s when he realized most of his two legs were missing, Isak told him. That was four years ago, he was eighteen. He told Even about the surgeries he underwent, his recovery, his days on a wheelchair and when he was granted the chance of prosthetic legs. The current pair wasn’t the first he used, he got new ones two months ago. It’d been like learning to walk all over again, said Isak. Walking up the stairs was difficult and almost painful, so he avoided it if he had the chance, and he took them off to shower and go to sleep.

“You said you cried for two weeks straight.”

“I did, I wouldn’t leave my room… I was devastated and angry, so angry. It was more than two weeks I think, probably a whole month. I felt useless and pathetic,” Isak recounted, “I hated myself so much for being so stupid, for having prioritized my budget over my safety... for having mistepped when I should have been more careful, why couldn’t I just check where I was going.”

“But there is no point, right?” Even added reflexively, “We can’t turn back time.”

“I miss my legs… my old legs, every single day,” said Isak, softly taking his hand off Even’s to touch his prosthetic legs. He swang them side to side and caressed them, “But these are my legs now, and I’m thankful and I’ve learnt to love them.”

He looked up at Even with a small, hopeful smile, “I love my new legs very much,” he stressed.

They held each other’s gaze for a moment. Even continued to be amazed, and relieved, that Isak was not put off by his appearance. In fact, Isak stared at him with genuine appreciation –almost like he approved of what he saw, which couldn’t be possible. It seemed, after a bit, that Isak intended to lean in for a kiss. But Even’s brain wouldn’t let him have this. So he looked away before Isak’s intention became too clear to deny, yet made sure to hold his hand again. It’s not you it’s me, the gesture said, which Isak was perceptive enough to translate without commenting on it. He was good and patient, but also liked Even for real, which Even found terrifying as it dared him to be real in return.

Like it was becoming a thing of theirs, Even brought his hand to his lips.

“You’re cold,” he said, caressing Isak’s hand with his lips gently.

“So are you,” remarked Isak. It was true.

Even cleared his throat, “I have a nice coffee machine, if you’d like… we could go back to mine and I’d make you a good cup of coffee,” he suggested, casting his gaze down. He couldn’t bring himself to kiss Isak just yet but he was inviting home –he was conflicted with himself and didn’t want to meet the confusion in Isak’s face either.

“Only if you want to, no pressure,” he needed to add like a frightened virginal kid to his crush. The Even he used to be would bring a different hook-up to his place once every two nights like it was a duty.

“Sure,” said Isak. And it was incredible, how a simple word from Isak could make his heart swell.

*

Even had previously cleaned up, just in case their date would turn out like this. So he’d spent his morning vacuuming, ventilating the apartment, cleaning the two bathrooms, his room, the living area and the kitchen. It took him hours, as although he didn’t live in a mess, most of the cleaning he did for himself was ocassional and superficial –just leaving the apartment clean enough not to engage his dignity. The building’s caretaker watched them as they approached the lifts, and Even knew that the man was surprised to see him bringing company. After so long, Even was embarrassed to cross the hall by himself all the time, the anxiety in his brain convincing him that the caretakers pitied him and made up sad stories of this weird guy that was always lonely. Even was tired of being that guy.

Isak was in awe of his large apartment while Even prepared their coffee.

“Is it that big?” Even wondered, skeptical, while Isak took a look around.

“It is,” Isak said and showed up by kitchen, “I like it.”

The pun was begging to be said and Even didn’t fight it, “Yeah? You like it big?”

Even blushed furiously but he’d already said it. He looked up from the coffee machine to find Isak giving him an intense look, “I do,” he replied as he approached Even, Even’s breathing caught up in his throat.

“The flat,” Isak cleared up once he stood by Even’s side. But his stare was shameless.

“Of course,” Even lied with a small cheeky smile, meeting Isak’s eyes again. Isak smirked and then casually hopped onto the counter, perhaps too close for Even’s sanity. Definitely too close, Isak’s thighs were within his reach. Firm and tempting beneath this tight jeans.

Seeing this was a deliberate move on Isak’s side, Even improvised a distraction. He turned around and went for the bread.

“Hungry?” he asked, grabbing the cheese and spices –anything to keep his back to Isak.

Isak took a moment to respond. Because he wasn’t stupid. “Yeah,” he said, a bit vaguely, “You set the standards pretty high after the lasagna though, so I expect gourmet toasties,” he joked.

“Gourmet toasties!” Even repeated, amused, “Too bad I ran out of arugula.”

He grabbed the ingredients and approached Isak’s side again but kept a distance. Then proceeded to apply the spices.

“Oh, that’s the trick? To make it gourmet?”

“Absolutely, arugula is the hip vegetable. You know the concept of _it girl_? Well, arugula is the _it vegetable_.”

Isak chuckled, hands gripping the counter as he watched Even, “Maybe. I’d say it’s cardamom though.”

“What even is that?”

“Cardamom!” Isak yelled playfully –he was spontaneous like that, “The fuck I know, but it’s one of those fancy spices the chefs use these days,” he shrugged.

“So you watch those cooking shows, I see,” Even observed, as he put the toasties in the electric oven. Then he went back to the coffee, picking up Isak’s mug and handing it to him.

Isak thanked him, granting him a fond smile that Even was powerless against, “TV shows make us lonely souls feel less lonely, I guess,” said Isak, soft and thoughtful.

Even could relate. Immersed in silence, they took a sip of their coffee. The beverage warmed Even’s insides but it was also the fact that Isak, beautiful and receptive, was right there beside him. He could have touched, and desperately wanted to, but the _what if’s_ in his mind were relentless. What if this didn’t work out. He was stressed, especially in this silence that spoke volumes, so the ding of the oven came right on time. While he grabbed the toasties, Isak sighed and hopped down off the counter.

“May I put on some music?” he said, exiting the kitchen, mug of coffee in hand.

“Sure. The toasties are ready though,” said Even, hating to sense the strain in the air. He knew he was making Isak frustrated.

“Let’s have them in the balcony,” Isak suggested from the living room.

So they sat on the balcony chairs eating the toasties and drinking coffee while Even’s _Romeo + Juliet_ CD played in the background.

Isak was pulling a face, “Too much spices,” he blurted out without shame.

“You didn’t stop me,” Even remarked.

“I see, it’s my fault now,” Isak teased, “I trusted you, Even.”

“Past tense?” said Even. He genuinely wondered.

And apparently, Isak wasn’t kidding either, “I don’t know,” he replied with honesty.

Once the silence settled again, not as comfortable as it was before, fate decided to torture him harder by playing _Kissing You_ in the background. It was a passionate song, perfect to set a mood. Too bad Even wasn’t cooperating.

“I like you, Even,” said Isak after a moment. He spoke soft but determined, eyes reflexive on the coffee mug, “And if you want to be just friends then I’m fine with that, we can be friends. But then don’t tell me that you find me attractive and take me out on dates and flirt, because that makes me believe you want something more and I’m going to act on it,” he added, looking up at him, “And I don’t want to make a fool of myself, reading the signs all wrong. I need you to be honest with me, Even.”

Even was struggling –this was exactly what he’d intended to avoid.

“I don’t want to hurt you, Isak,” he confessed, in pain, “You deserve better.”

Isak blinked, fixing him a glare, “No offense, but will you let me decide that for myself?”

Even was quiet, mouth closed, gritting his teeth.

Isak was upset. He shook his head, “I know exactly what pity sounds like. The poor amputee, so fragile… too breakable to handle-

“Isak, this is not it,” objected Even in panic, recognizing the same defensive Isak he once met and terrified of retracing all those steps they made, “Please, I would never pity you. I look up to you, actually. I think you’re a badass and funny and resilient. You don’t let what happened to you define you, which… is exactly what I’d like to achieve someday.”

Isak listened. And after some seconds, his features softened, “You do?” he asked, almost innocent.

Even nodded.

Isak lifted a hand to his face, caressing with his thumb, “Then don’t let it define you.”

“Is it that simple?” he gingerly met Isak’s eyes.

Isak considered, “I think sometimes our minds brainwash us into thinking that things are harder than what they actually are… does that make sense?”

Even, familiar with anxiety, nodded in understanding. Isak’s hand went down to hold his hand.

“Nina helped me through that, actually. We focused on my qualities… the things I like the most about myself.”

“Which is?” Even eyed him knowingly.

Isak’s eyes widened, “My irresistible, sunshine personality! Don’t you love the way I am? Well I do, I love myself, so I don’t care what you think,” he stated.

Even chuckled, “I literally just told you what I think about you.”

“Wouldn’t hurt hearing it again.”

“You’re quite full of yourself, aren’t you?” Even teased, shoving him on the chest.

“I’m not, I’m just confident!” Isak argued.

“Right… _master_ of doing stuff.”

Isak scoffed dramatically, and really, Even wouldn’t have him another way, “I happen to excel at everything I do, I’ve told you faux modesty is not my thing. I’ll prove it to you,” he stood up and went back inside.

Then Even’s ears caught the sound of _Wild Hearts Run Free. _Isak offered a hand to him while jiggling, quite dorkly, to the music.

“Oh, let me guess. You’re the master of dancing,” Even observed in amusement, pretending to be unimpressed. But who was he fooling.

“You guess right,” Isak went for his hands, “Now dance with me.”

Even didn’t stand a chance against a headstrong Isak. Shaking his head in resistance, he stood up either way and tried to sway a little, mainly moving his arms up and down.

“This is so sad,” Even said, aware of his lack of skills.

At this, Isak stepped closer and hooked his arms around his neck, “Not in my arms, no,” he stated, and wow. Having him this close was making Even short of breath, “Hold me back, Even! Don’t be rude!” Isak ordered as he continued to rock side to side and sing along to the song.

“Right,” Even gulped hard and put his arms around Isak’s waist.

Isak giggled, “See? Together we’re not sad. We’re happy.”

“It’s a nice way to put it.”

“I’m a master with words too.”

Even rolled his eyes –harmlessly, smiling. They danced for a while, ridiculous and untalented. Isak eventually stepped back and lifted their arms, prompting Even to do a spin, which Even did with the grace of a robot. They stayed standing by the balcony as the album went on, chatting about everything and nothing, Isak always trying to get him to sing along with him when the song was familiar and Even would refuse, claiming that Isak was a much better singer. And of course Isak wouldn’t deny such fact.

*

It was late in the night. Too late not to suggest Isak to stay over. Besides, Even really wanted him to stay over, and Isak shared the sentiment. So Even said the words and Isak accepted the invitation without concealing his thrill –in fact, when Even asked where he’d prefer to sleep, Isak didn’t beat around the bush. He said Even’s bed. So that’s how Even found himself flustered as they got ready to go to sleep, each in one side of the bed. Literal ages since he last shared a bed with someone. Everything he’d done with Isak, every little step, felt like something he’d either never done or hadn’t done since forever.

Eventually he learnt that Isak, beneath his confident shell, was twice as nervous as him.

“I take them off, by the way,” announced Isak, with caution.

Even looked up. Isak stood by the bed in his Simpsons shirt and underwear –and Even wasn’t strong enough not to stare. He was gorgeous. Though right now, he was shy.

“My legs,” he clarified, “To go to sleep.”

“Sure, go ahead,” said Even, snapping out of it. Then he turned around, making it clear he was not going to peek. He went to the bathroom in the meantime, to grant Isak his space but also himself. Because he really was getting overwhelmed, sharing this moment with this boy he liked so much. It was strange, as this electric feeling was so strong it was surpassing the constant self-deprecating thoughts in his mind. Even didn’t have the time now to dwell on his low self-esteem, when his entire system was focused on this intense, definitely mutual, crush he had – which was more than just a crush. Even had had countless of crushes before that wouldn’t last longer than a week and while they’d lasted, they’d revolve around the sex exclusively. The lights were dim when he went to bed, but Isak remained visible enough in the soft shadows. Sitting upright on one side of the bed, over the beddings, giving him hesitant eyes but also, determined. He was exposing himself, to Even. He wanted him to see. Because if not now, then when. Isak’s legs stopped mid-thigh. And it’s not like Even didn’t know, but seeing it raw was different. Isak’s uncertain expression spoke of this self-awareness.

Even wasn’t going to pretend nonchalance. It made him genuinely sorry that Isak had lost his legs. It wasn’t pity in any way, it was just sadness. A real feeling of solidarity taking over his heart. He got on the bed, sitting by the headboard beside Isak. The contrast of their legs spoke for itself, and it was loud amidst the silence. Then Isak chuckled inside his closed mouth. Even appreciated the sound.

“I’m a bit shorter than you,” joked Isak.

“You can’t possibly say that,” Even had to argue, “It’s not accurate for obvious reasons.”

Isak understood. He shrugged it off anyways, “Even with my legs, I’d still be shorter than you, so.”

“But not as dramatically, so shut it.”

“Oi, he’s shutting me up,” Isak teased and pushed him on the chest.

Even pushed him back, “Yes, I am. And if you don’t shut up about this you can go sleep on the couch.”

Mouth agape, eyes wide, Isak played the offended. Even, however, could only play the tough guy for a few miserable seconds. Then he was bursting out laughing and soon enough, Isak followed. Even was amazed at how well they fit. While he’d been nervous at first, suddenly he didn’t feel like it anymore. In fact, he was actually enjoying Isak’s presence in his bed so much he was clinging to every minute like it was precious. It didn’t bother him, or made him uncomfortable, in any way. They got comfortable under the sheets, facing each other. Isak stared at him with longing, and Even was sure he reciprocated the look.

Then Isak told him the story of a previous guy that broke his heart.

“He was just curious, you know,” he drifted off, eyes elusive, so Even would get the point.

Even got the point. He was disgusted.

“But I was in love. We dated two months or so, and then he says he’s seeing someone else.”

“While still dating you?”

“Yeah, but he had the guts to tell me, so I should have been grateful,” said Isak sarcastically, “Then, when I got offended and dared him to admit he just used me for his fucked up fantasies, he denied it and goes _no, this is why, you think everything revolves around your disability, dating you is like walking on eggshells, I need to have fun with someone not stress all the time.”_

“You’re not stress,” Even blurted out. He meant it, “And definitely not a fetish.”

“I know I’m not,” said Isak, honest and determined, “I know my worth.”

“Fuck that bitch,” Even remarked, smirking. Isak smirked in return.

Isak lifted a hand to his cheek, stroking the skin with his thumb. Even accepted his caresses in silence, staring at him with no inhibition. He was so fond of Isak, in a definitely non-platonic way.

“I’d like to hear how this happened,” Isak whispered, referring to Even’s face, “When you’re ready to tell me, you can tell me.”

Even considered, “I happen to be ready right now,” he admitted, though it came more like an admission to himself. If Isak doesn’t bring it up directly, then Even would have missed the moment of realization. So he said it. Even said it all, like he never shared his version of events with anybody else before, not even his therapist. With Nina, his recollection had tasted dry and bitter, and restrained –remembering had hurt back then, his system boiling in wrath, his wish to live was weak. With Isak, however, the words flowed out of his mouth with hardly any difficulty. And, unsurprisingly for him, Isak listened with respect.

Even felt lighter afterwards. He also felt closer to Isak. He rested a hand on Isak’s cheek, at which Isak was fast to welcome the caress, snuggling against his palm like a lazy, content cat. He was eager for his touch, Even could tell.

“I think it’s nice that we found each other,” Isak said, a modest conclusion.

Even smiled, “More than nice.”

Their faces came together, closer than ever, so close they could have kissed. Even certainly wanted to kiss him on the lips. But it turned out that kissing with their noses was valid too. For tonight, it was. So they kept kissing with the tip of their noses, and only tiredness mingled in their moment. It was a welcome tiredness nonetheless –tonight, everything he experienced and shared with Isak was welcome, so Even was happy to gradually give in to slumber while watching Isak do the same.

*

The next morning Even wished he hadn’t woken up in the first place. A phone call had him jolting awake while Isak slept next to him. It was barely past six. Inevitably, the loud unexpected ringtone interrupted Isak’s sleep as well, causing him to stir. Judging by his frown and pout and whine, he didn’t seem like a morning person –which Even, a bit enamored with him, found adorable rather than negative.

“Sorry,” whispered Even, as he picked up the phone. Isak just hummed in response.

It was his father calling. Not to bother Isak anymore, he got up and padded towards the kitchen. Speaking on the phone with his father was odd, they only communicated via messages these days. Besides, calling so early the morning was a red flag already. Once he answered, Even confirmed that his instinct was correct –the man was calling him for one specific reason, and he wasn’t happy.

_“She saw you holding hands with a guy,”_ he stated. Even’s stomach dropped, his good spirits instantly evaporating.

_“Listen Even, I’m not homophobic. You know I’m not homophobic, I don’t have any problem with you being a homosexual-_

“That’s good to hear, but I’ve told you I’m not gay.”

_“Huh?”_

“I’m pansexual, I’ve told you it’s not the same.”

Expected silence. Invalidating silence.

_“Even… my point is, you can do whatever you want, with whoever you want, but as long as you do it in private. Do you understand me?”_

“So much for not being homophobic.”

_“Of course I’m not, but it’s one thing being open-minded and another thing letting the whole town know what you’re up to with other men considering the prestige that we hold as a family and as a company. In our situation, leaving your preferences and lifestyle as vague as possible in the public eye is the convenient thing to do, all right? It’s got nothing to do with homophobia son, it’s about decency and privacy.”_

“You’re one to talk about decency but let’s not go there, mum could hear-

_“Even, you’re testing me.”_

“I am testing you, Dad. On purpose. I want you to see how messed up this is… I mean, decency? Since when holding hands is indecent? Since when two single adults holding hands in public means disrespecting my own privacy? It’s nothing but hand-holding!”

_“You know exactly what I’m saying Even, you just want me to spell it out for you so you can accuse me of bigotry, don’t you?”_

“Funny how you twist the situation to make it seem like you’re the victim here. I’m deeply sorry to make you self-aware of your homophobia, I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, I know you live your life proclaiming to be progressive.”

_“You have no manners…Even, we’ve been so patient with you. We’ve been understanding. You became a literal recluse after the accident, and we understood. You requested to work from home, and we understood. You requested to be cut off of all the family and social gatherings, and we understood. When you revealed your homosexuality or whatever you call it, we understood. Yet, as soon as you step out of your house after years, do you come to the office? Do you come visit us at home? Do you remember you have a family at all? No, you get yourself a boyfriend for everyone to see knowing full well our family has an image to maintain. A boyfriend that limps! On top of that. She told me the guy walks in a funny way, but that’s minor-_

Even was seething, “I can’t believe you-

_“Stop that. Stop. Stop finding offense in every word we say, one can’t possibly say an opinion these days. I said that if he limps then that’s fine, that’s the least of my concerns-_

“You don’t even… you don’t even listen to yourself when you speak, you’re so caught up in your bubble you refuse to understand that a word can hurt a person’s feelings-

_“Dear God, here we go-_

“You’re so condescending... I’m not picky, I’m not too sensitive, I simply try to be a decent human being! And obviously, my notion of decency differs quite a lot from yours, Dad! Don’t you find it sad that for you, being decent is hiding one’s sexuality not to offend the poor straights, while for me being decent is actually respecting others? Treating someone’s limping like a concern is fucking rude!”

_“What’s also sad is you, as a son, disrespecting your family and trying so hard to separate yourself from us like we’re inferior to you just because we don’t see the world the same way you do. Not to mention how easy it is to preach all these wonderful things from the safety of your home, because again, let me remind you that this devil you have as a father has respected your privacy and has respected your request to hide yourself from the entire world while still employing you. It is so easy to preach while living in a parallel universe where you don’t have to face the world the way it actually is, while having a convenient job that pays your bills. But you only see the world in black and white, correct? Oh, my Dad said an ugly word, he’s mean and should go to hell. You’re twenty-five, Even. Grow up.”_

Even’s jaw trembled, an icy feeling of discomfort running through his system, rising up his throat. He was tearing up but wouldn’t give in. Suddenly, he was all too aware of the fact his father was also his boss, and that this apartment had been a gift from him. He couldn’t dispute these facts.

“You know what? You’re right. You’ve employed me all this time, and I thank you. Just like I thank you for this place-

_“I hate to rub it in, Even. It’s not an issue for me at all, in fact, I’m glad you have your own place-_

“I just wish you’d stop pretending that me staying as far away as possible has not been convenient for you, and you know why.”

Strained silence. Even was using the opportunity to say what he’d meant to say to his family in three years.

_“Even…”_

“The Bech-Naesheim’s are better off without me, Dad. You guys are a sophisticated, good-looking family. Let’s not pretend that my disfigured face wouldn’t look out of place during all those fancy social events you guys attend twice a week, let’s not pretend that my name wouldn’t gradually disappear off the VIP lists of the parties and festivals while my brother and sister’s names remain. You’re not a fool, and I’m not a fool, we know how this works. We can actually agree on this, you and I.”

_“We…”_ the man couldn’t find the words. Not when Even was right, “_Even, we’d find a way-_

“Find a way?” Even repeated sarcastically. He shook his head, “Please listen to yourself. The fact we’d have to find a way for me to fit in is messed up as it is. Don’t you see? I’d always be treated like _an other _just because of my face. What’s the point of finding a way if the mere fact of tolerating me would be seen as some sort of charity. I refuse to be seen as some fucking victim just because of my face.”

_“I’m sure it’s not that bad, Even.”_

At this point Even was walking back and forth across the space of the kitchen, “Oh, it’s bad! Did you forget my face had to be reconstructed? I’m fucking ugly Dad, and it really sucks that you’re focusing on the hope that perhaps it’s not that bad. Like the chances of me being fully accepted back into the life I once had depend on how messed up my face is-

_“Even, you haven’t even tried. Also, please kill the notion that our family and friends are so shallow-_

“Both you and your friend that saw me literally had to mention that the guy I’m hanging out with limps when he walks. Like it’s relevant to his value whatsoever.”

_“I’m sorry, okay? That was a tasteless observation to make, though I didn’t mean it in a degrading way. And this is exactly my point, you keep crucifying anyone that is not socially aware as you and shaping your entire perception of the person from that, regardless of the person’s other qualities.”_

“It’s not like I can’t claim the same about you, and everyone like you, just replacing the socially aware with straight and conventionally attractive.”

Yet another silence. This time strained.

_“You’re being impossible, son. It hurts me to hear like you this,” _the father remarked passive-aggressively.

Even raised his voice, gesturing furiously with his hand as he spoke to the phone, “You called me! At six in the morning! Not to ask how I was doing or anything, but exclusively to ask me to hide what I have with Isak ‘cause it’s not convenient to you! And you expect me not to get angry?”

_“You said it yourself, Even. You know how this world works, you and I both know. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices ‘cause we can’t have it all. It’s no fun for me to ask you this, it’s not like I’m thrilled about this, this actually makes me sad. But whether you like it or not, your last name carries a prestige to maintain. How do you think we’ve managed to keep your grandfather’s company at the top of the game for all these years? Swimming against the tide, unfriending everyone? I’m not even asking you to leave him or anything, just… you can date him son, but do it cautiously. Please, do it for the family.”_

“Well,” said Even, in pain but determined, “What if I don’t?”

Silence. This time, though, the silence allowed Even to pick up on the sound coming from the bedroom, at which his heart did a jump. He turned his back to the kitchen access, like it made a difference. Deep down, he knew Isak was listening.

_“I was hoping you’d notice that I wasn’t asking, Even,”_ the man clarified, dry and resolute.

“You hoped right,” said Even, with sadness, “I was just checking your humanity for the last time.”

Then he hung up and turned off his mobile. And he stood there, digesting what’d just happened.

*

It was uncomfortable afterwards. Isak suggested he better went home to get ready for work and Even was so distracted he didn’t even object –when he should have. They should have spent some time together and have breakfast before Isak left. But Even simply wasn’t there anymore. And Isak understood. It was impressive, how well Isak could read him already. Even dropped him off on his car. They didn’t talk during the ride, but once they arrived, the silence became unbearable. After all, Isak was aware of the situation.

“Are we okay?” asked Isak.

Even felt terrible, and guilty, “I don’t know, Isak,” he admitted.

“That’s fine,” Isak sounded resigned, “I think you need some time to figure this out, I don’t want to cause you any more stress.”

“Please,” Even turned to him, eyes broken but sincere, “I told you last night: you’re not stress,” he stared at Isak, appreciating his beautiful face, “Quite the contrary, actually.”

“I heard you, though,” said Isak, quiet and concerned.

Even was gritting his teeth, holding back the frustration. He nodded.

“It’s complicated, right?” Isak asked.

Even hated not knowing what to say, like he hated the fear in Isak’s voice. He leant against Isak’s palm when Isak put a hand on his cheek.

“It hurts me to say this, but I will not hide what we have like it’s wrong,” he stated. Even felt it on his chest, “So if we’re going to be just friends in public, then that’s all we’re going to be in private too.”

Even opened his mouth but couldn’t say anything, there was a lump up his throat. It got worse when Isak got emotional, but he contained himself.

Even swallowed hard and tried to form a decent sentence, “This is not the end, okay?”

“Oh, I know,” Isak smiled with sadness, “Whatever this going to be, it’s only the beginning.”

He kissed Even on the cheek –and really, Even couldn’t stop himself from inhaling in deep, tasting Isak’s scent on his tongue.

“You know where to find me,” said Isak, sentiment in his eyes but overall composed. He was not the type to break down in tears in front of a man, not anymore. Even was in awe of him, in every way, it was getting hard to breathe sometimes. When Isak exited the car and his loud absence replaced him, Even knew exactly why he was feeling like a bug crushed on the ground.

He was in love.

*

Even continued to do his job in the family company only for so long before he couldn’t anymore. That day, which happened nearly three weeks after the phone call, three weeks in which depression inexorably had crawled its way back to him yet not as draining as before thanks to all the therapy he’d attended, Even shut down his laptop like he meant it and made a decision. He did it himself, he didn’t need the first push. After three days of neglecting his personal hygiene, he took a shower and brushed his teeth. Then he got dressed, left the apartment and took the car.

He parked a block away from the company’s building and called his father. Naturally, the man claimed to be busy but, since Even insisted, he told Even to wait for half an hour. This was it. Even was doing this now, and he would not look back. Ever since the phone call, and before that, ever since meeting Isak, Even had been doing nothing but waste his time feeling sorry for himself.

It’d been years since Even last saw his father and on top of this, Even was showing him his face. His stomach was in knots. Speaking of which, his body cried for food after going days swallowing nothing but ginger tea. Even was trying –he made a mental note to pass by the grocery store on his way back. He just had to.

Even was biting hard on his nails when he caught sight of his father departing the building. From a distance he could still make out the lines of stress on his forehead –he was the kind of person that seemed to sport a perpetual frown regardless of the situation. Even, having inherited many of his father’s habits, tried to relax his face whenever he caught himself imitating him certainly not out vanity as the mere thought sounded absurd to his ears, but as simple act of rebellion against the bond between the two. Either way, despite the rage bottled up inside, Even’s chest constricted in his father’s presence which was a telltale sign that he cared about the man’s existence a tad more than he liked to believe. Even signaled for him to get in the passenger seat, and the man did sporting a similar feigned indifference.

Tension ice cold, Even immediately took off his large shades and though he kept his face down, it was otherwise exposed for his father to see. The man watched him in insufferable silence, though it was such a loud silence, Even could swear he could hear his thoughts.

“It’s a good thing you’re healthy, son,” spoke his father, after one minute that felt like twenty.

Even nodded.

“Skinny, though,” the man continued, “But it runs in the family.”

Even bit on his lip, “Um… listen,” he dared to look up at his father, and it hurt, this awkwardness between them. The visceral resistance his father exuded from all pores but he contained, how he tried not to show the rejection at the sight –Even wondered if he was supposed to be grateful about this, which was such a sad question to ask. He realized then, that his father saw what everyone saw. But that’s okay, he thought, recalling Nina’s words. If they reacted negatively that was their problem, not his. The only thing he needed to take care of was the way he perceived himself. The thought was liberating.

“I quit the job,” he stated solemnly, keeping the eye-contact, “And I’ve decided to put the apartment on sale.”

The father blinked, processing. That permanent judgmental frown on his forehead became prominent on top of his pale expressionless face, “You’re not thinking straight, Even,” he stated. More like, accused.

“I spent three years locked up in the flat, I guess that helped me save some money.”

“That flat is yours.”

“You got it for me, I know,” Even nodded, “And I thank you, once again.”

“Even…” the man shook his head, radiating distress, “Are you seriously doing what I think you’re doing? Are you quitting your job and your flat, for some guy?”

“I’m not here to fight again-

“Who’s fighting? I’m just asking you-

“It’s your tone,” Even argued with calm, taking deep breaths, “You make it sound like it’s a stupid thing to do.”

“You’re sacrificing your stability for this one person, I’m sorry but I can’t believe you. There are people who would quit everything for your position in the company Even, don’t even get me started on the apartment, and you happen to have both.”

“Why are you acting like selling the apartment wouldn’t give me enough funds to get a smaller place and survive while I look for another job? Why do you refuse to understand that I’m trying to make a point here?”

“Right,” the man sneered in disdain, “You’re giving it all up just to make a point.”

“You’re not listening,” Even sighed in exhaustion, the weight of his mental and physical state taking its toll in this kind of situation, “This is exactly why I’m doing it. I need a fresh start, away from all this,” the two knew what that meant, “And yes, this means getting together with Isak.”

“I never once prevented you from being with him.”

“In public!” Even emphasized, giving his father a hard, determined look, “I’m going to be with Isak, in public. And since I’m getting rid of the flat, and I’m quitting the job, I no longer owe you some kind of loyalty so there’s nothing you people can do about it.”

“_You people_… that people are your family, Even,” the man objected in disappointment.

“We are a family only for the pictures, Dad,” Even reminded him.

“You clearly have an unrealistic concept of family then, if you think that being a family means facing no problems along the way.”

Even shook his head, “No, I just hope for authenticity, which I don’t think it’s that much to ask for,” he studied his father’s reaction, “How come you haven’t invited me to the office to say hi? How come we didn’t go for a coffee, when your favourite coffee shop is round the corner?”

The man kept quiet. Then, “I didn’t think it’d be necessary,” he blurted out, as dry as uncomfortable.

Even smiled a fake smile. He knew, “I like to think my presence is necessary, Dad,” he stated without an ounce of doubt. And once he let it out, Even knew he’d meant it.

*

Even cried on his way back home with a strong mixture of sadness and relief, the shades covering most of the tears. After a quick, reluctant visit to the grocery store to get some noodles, Even went back to the apartment to cry some more as he lay in bed watching some TV show marathon. What affected him the most was that he couldn’t hate his father –nor his mother, or siblings, for that matter. He hated that his father had seemed affected as well, underneath his trademark mask of coolness. He hated that the man had seemed ashamed of his own behaviour –it’s not like he did anything about it, that was the problem, but the sense of guilt floated in his blue eyes anyways. It was strange to be heartbroken while feeling so free, and so certain.

Despite the tears, Even had never felt this certain.

“You wish he was a monster,” said Nina, the next day. Even had already told her that, given his brand new situation, it was time for him to culminate therapy. She told him that it was okay, that she trusted his judgement and that she was proud of this renewed sense of security of his.

Even nodded. As always, she could read his mind like a book, “But he’s not,” he added thoughtfully.

“Then that’s good,” she said, giving him those serene eyes, “It means there’s hope for the future.”

He couldn’t envision that possibility right now, “Unlikely.”

“Please,” she smiled, like a friend, “You spent nearly three years claiming how you’d never get to date, ever again.”

His heart skipped a beat –he was planning on seeing Isak right after this. Nina had even teased him about his good-looks, as he’d visibly made an effort with this clothes and hair like he did in the old times.

“This is different,” he remarked.

“And people view things differently with time… I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be so quick to lock that door,” she studied him, “I know it’s closed for now, and probably will be for a while, but I’d advise you not to lock it. Or if you do lock it, since we’re speaking in these terms, then don’t throw away the key.”

“Don’t throw away the key,” Even repeated, harmlessly mocking.

“You laugh, but I’m here trying to make a point.”

And yes, Even made sense of it.

*

Thirty minutes before the record shop closed, there were five people inside. And since it wasn’t a big shop, it looked kind of packed –at least it did from Even’s perspective. But he’d manage. In fact, he preferred to see it as fate finally working on his favour, helping him make a statement. He chose to do this for a reason after all, so he was out there getting anxious despite this being exactly what he’d pictured in his mind.

Screw anxiety, he decided. He was doing this.

After one resolute exhalation, Even, absolutely bare-faced, crossed the street and entered the shop. Behind the cash desk, Isak was fast to look up. He froze, but then he smiled –a happy to see you smile as a happy to see you uncovered smile. Even had never seen a most beautiful sight in his life. Since the seconds passed and Even stood by the entrance radiating anticipation, one or two costumers checked on him in curiosity. What was wrong with this stranger, why was he staring so intently at the shop manager, what was he waiting for –and no, his imperfect face was a factor Even didn’t even consider.

Even’s heart was beating wildly. He cleared his throat, “May I have your attention, please?”

At this, the five people looked up, two in intrigue, two suspecting he was out of his mind and one between annoyed and indifferent. Isak was utterly confused, questioning him with his eyes.

“It…it won’t take me long,” Even stammered, but didn’t recoil, “I don’t mean to bother, I apologize, it won’t take me long.”

“You okay?” a young costumer asked him, frowning, while Isak mouthed Even’s name in question.

“I just wanted to say that,” Even took another deep breath, eyes solely on Isak while the others stared, “That you guys have made a great choice coming to this record store, because the sweetest boy in the world happens to work in here.”

Expectant silence. Even could feel his heartbeats pumping in his ears. Then, naturally, the costumers reacted by turning to look at Isak, and from Isak back to Even, and then back to Isak. They were connecting the dots.

As for Isak… his face was in flames.

“And I want him to know that meeting him has been the best thing has ever happened in my life, that this is real, that I’m proud and that I won’t hide, and I want to thank him for being brave, strong and standing his ground because it granted me the push I needed.”

Gradually, the atmosphere in the store went from awkward to touching. The costumers shared knowing smiles.

“That’s all,” Even said, getting shy again, suddenly too aware of the five pair of eyes witnessing the scene, “Thanks for listening-

“Is that it?” spoke Isak, nervous but loud and determined, cheeks crimson red, “You’re not going to ask me to be your boyfriend?”

A girl let out an encouraging sound, the costumers too involved already –and really, what was the point of getting bashful now when Even himself brought this on. Not when Isak seemed this eager and emotional.

“Yes,” muttered Even, a little slow in his Isak-induced daze, “Yes, I will.”

Well then, Isak said with his body language. Even was feeling on top of the world, like this was surreal. Floating. Now he was the one blushing a furious red, as he approached Isak before five expectant strangers that would carry the memory of this unlikely evening for years to come. This really was happening. It was not a figment of his love-starved imagination while the real Even wallowed in his misery in an empty bed in an empty apartment. Isak rounded the cash desk to meet Even properly, and from up close, Even could make out his glassy gaze –Isak was having his own moment of sweet disbelief.

They smiled at each other, embarrassed but in bliss. Isak was still waiting, which he made sure it showed through his face, chin up, eyes challenging.

_“You want me… well come on and break the door now, I’ve been waiting,” _Isak playfully recited, which had Even bursting out a sheepish kind of laugh, shaking his head. He understood.

“Be with me,” Even muttered, in the shape of the most transparent version of himself he’d ever been, “I’d like that very much.”

The tears gathered up in Isak’s eyes were stars-shaped, “Okay,” he said immediately, “I’m gonna kiss you now.”

So they did. A sealing kiss, light and gentle –Even felt like screaming out his love from the highest building’s rooftop. They stayed forehead to forehead, beaming at each other. The costumers cheered and clapped politely, genuinely glad for the couple.

“Can I pay for this, now?” the young man said, vinyl in hand.

“Right, I’m sorry,” Isak said, flustered, stepping out of Even’s arms which had Even dropping as many quick kisses on his cheek in the span of the three seconds it took Isak to move out of his reach.

“Don’t be sorry, that was pretty cool to watch,” the young man said amicably while Even stepped aside and stood by the spot that was empty. Adrenaline still running high, he just wanted to kiss Isak again, and again.

“It’s the kind of romantic stuff you only see in movies,” a girl added.

That’s right, Even thought, sharing a knowing glance with Isak.

That’s right.


End file.
